"When It All Gets Too Much" by EMMA

"When It All Gets Too Much" by EMMA

   16:34       Emma

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Hello, how is everyone? It’s been too long since I last wrote something here, right? I do apologize for that, I am not sure how many actually bother to read what I write here though, Anyways I need to get this out of my system, as most of you know already this blog is a form of therapy for me, a place where I can simply pour everything out and let some of what is building up inside of me out, a measure of relief in a way, not sure If it will help anyone, myself included but here goes nothing.

When I was a little girl, I sincerely thought that when you become an adult, you get to do as you please, go after what you want, follow your dreams and simply you will be able to do whatever you feel like doing, that's what I led to believe how my life would be, Its true that everything I said is not completely wrong and some of it can actually happen for real, we are lucky, because we are healthy, we are safe, we  are strong, however, the struggles we face, the problems we need to solve, the hardships we need to overcome, the people we need to deal and live with, the situations we find ourselves in all that and more can make you feel hopeless, drained out of your soul, tired of having to meet expectations, work hard on daily basis, being careful of people's feelings and opinions, trying so hard to please everyone around you but yourself.

It’s an unbearable, suffocating, depressing phase to go through especially when you can’t talk to anyone about it, because every person around you expects you to be this cheerful helping person you’ve always been, this kind loving soul who can’t possibly get hurt, get angry, get frustrated and fed up with anything, over the years you find that you are playing this version of yourself as it is a real part of you but at the same time it is not entirely “you”, you have neglected, overlooked, abandoned pieces of you along the way that every once in a while hunts you, reminds you of another version of you that you left behind. It is then when it gets too much to handle, you find living difficult, you find breathing a torment, you lose interest in what once was a major part of your life, you become lazy, you lack the motivation to get up in the morning, your sleep is worsen and insomnia becomes your new friend, you begin wishing to disappear somewhere far far away, you think you are going crazy, many thoughts are piercing your mind, many feelings come to you that you haven’t realized before, you start to have dark views on the world, you let fear and despair crawls slowly inside of you, ruining you and detaining you bit by bit until you say I can’t do this anymore.

"You’re a flower that grows more transparent the wetter you become,
The white petal between us,
Become moist with regret,
Transparent but it doesn’t disappear,

When obscured from view,
At least it doesn’t hurt,

But being unable to grasp it despite knowing this,
Hurts as if I’m being torn apart as if I’m dying,
Now that it’s drenched with tears,
My obvious mistakes can be seen no longer,

Ah, they’re getting scattered by the wind,
Ah, they’re growing wetter with dew,

Dear petal before me,
Bearing the thick scent that deceived me,
So that I wouldn’t be able to find you,
You imprisoned me in the room of eternity,
And now you smile guile-fully and snowy white,

Ah, they’re getting scattered by the wind,
Ah, they’re growing wetter with dew,

As time passes the white petals, too, will wilt away,
With no memory of having been translucent,

Ah, they’re getting scattered by the wind,
Ah, they’re growing wetter with dew,

Time passes,
Time passes,
Time passes,
Time passes,
Time passes,
Time passes"

Skeleton Flower by Kim Jonghyun ❥